Long Vacation....

Packed myself up and embark on this journey... to look for something that was lost.. to look for something that is precious.. to understand who I am...

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Lantern Festival...

Of all the days, lantern festival has to fall on the 28th of the month.... Already drag the day and yet have to spoilt the mood for this festive season.... Do not want to be reminded that today is lantern festival nor today is 28th of the month... yet you have to msg me to wish me: "happy lantern festival. Wish you have many mooncake to eat" Immediately everything starts to come back to me... keeping myself quiet in this blog so that I wont msg you to start the whole issue all over again... GOD please let the time pass fast for me and I shall bury myself in my assignment... to forget this day... don't call me, don't meet up with today for dinner... I don't want to see you nor answer your call... just let today be a quiet day to mourn for a lost love...

Got upset again... was teasing with a friend in the sms. He forget that today is lantern festival, so I joked with him that if he don't when is lantern festival, how is he going to tell his children next time? He replied: "Nvm lor, you tell our kids lor". The mention of this gets me upset again... how I wish my friend is you and not him... is you who is telling me all these and not him... but I know i'm just decieving myself...

another life just gone yesterday nite... my classmate's grandfather suddenly die yesterday nite and only knew when she reach home... now our project is in a mess cause she is in charge of some important part of the assignment...we have to see if we can get an extension or someone has to take over it first till the furneral ends in 1week.... life is so unpredictable... you won't know what will happen to you tommorrow...

Monday, September 27, 2004

Daiko drum...

Yesterday went for the daiko drum practise... very tuff and tiring but fun!~~! Always have the left hand reflex problem and can't keep my hands straight when lift up.... feel dumb at it... but the seniors were very encouraging to keep practising with me. Bing bing and jing jing (by the way they are twin sisters), teach me to hit and lift up from eye level and slowing pratice up to the head. It does help and they say I have improve alot, keep praticing...

Time passes so fast that I hardly know its end of the practice. Ke ke they ask me come early to pratice next week, and I think I will. Went home and whole body and leg aching... can't even lift the chopstick properly when eating... keke and leg muscle hurt also!~!~ coz have to "za ma" to make it level with the drum. argh!~!~ But I think will get use to it after a few pratice. Hope next time my performance you can come and watch it. :O)

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Went to...

Went to watch the show "The Terminal" with a friend. It was a more of a comedy than a romance film. My friend keep on teasing me that I will cry alot in the show, but surprisingly I did not. Don't know is the show or I have lost touch of my feeling. If it was last time I sure will cry alot, but now recently watching romance film does not evolve any emotion out. Like a few days ago, the movie "The Notebook", never cry much at those I think will be a very sad scene for me. *Sigh*

Synosis:
Academy Award® winners Tom Hanks ("Philadelphia," "Forrest Gump") and Catherine Zeta-Jones ("Chicago") star in "The Terminal," under the direction of Academy Award®-winning filmmaker Steven Spielberg ("Schindler’s List," "Saving Private Ryan").

"The Terminal" tells the story of Viktor Navorski (Tom Hanks), a visitor to New York from Eastern Europe, whose homeland erupts in a fiery coup while he is in the air en route to America. Stranded at Kennedy Airport with a passport from nowhere, he is unauthorized to actually enter the United States and must improvise his days and nights in the terminal’s international transit lounge until the war at home is over.

As the weeks and months stretch on, Viktor finds the compressed universe of the terminal to be a richly complex world of absurdity, generosity, ambition, amusement, status, serendipity and even romance with a beautiful flight attendant named Amelia (Catherine Zeta-Jones). But Viktor has long worn out his welcome with airport official Frank Dixon, who considers him a bureaucratic glitch, a problem he cannot control but wants desperately to erase.

"The Terminal" also stars Emmy winner Stanley Tucci (TV’s "Winchell," "Road to Perdition") as Frank Dixon. Rounding out the main cast are Chi McBride (TV’s "Boston Public"), Diego Luna ("Y Tu Mama, Tambien"), Barry "Shabaka" Henley ("Ali"), Kumar Pallana ("The Royal Tenenbaums"), Zoë Saldana ("Drumline"), Eddie Jones ("Seabiscuit") and Jude Ciccolella ("Down With Love").

Walter F. Parkes ("Catch Me If You Can"), Steven Spielberg and Laurie MacDonald ("The Ring") are producing "The Terminal," with Patricia Whitcher, Jason Hoffs and Andrew Niccol serving as executive producers. The screenplay is by Sacha Gervasi and Jeff Nathanson from a story by Niccol.

went to see the doc after that... all the drinking session for the past month has deteriate my health.. keep feel like vomitting when eating... doc say if continue drinking plus smoking it will develop into a stomach ulcer.... before that I was afraid the doc will ask me to go for a stomach checkup... msg you to ask "if you will accompany me to the hospital when I go for checkup", your reply was a "oki", but it felt like a cold answer to me.... I will try to control not to drink so much and frequent...

went to meet up with bb after that... long time no see her since edwin came back at the beginning of the year. She has too broke up with her 6 years bf at June... after they start planning for their wedding. Her bf was like you now, bz bz with his work till she is very independ. Sad... she too like me wonder why you all prefer a lifeless job than a fresh and blood human being who can share you instead? No idea, maybe we all have reach the age of settling down and since you all can't promise us a future, you all have to go than. No time to waste on a no future relationship... after chatting with her, I feel so much better- at least, our problem surface earlier than her wasting 6 years on a relationship and realise it was not what she wanted for the rest of her life...

Dont think so much now already... want to concentrate on my study and finish it, the rest of the stuff it will solve by itself when you have the time to sort it out... no point going round and round and pushing you hard to a corner... it will only make it worst (I dont deny that for the past month, I was anxious to get you back and it has worsen the situation.) My friend told me, if he wants he will come back, if he dont no matter what he also won't come back. And to top it worst, to make you fail your exam or lost your job, you will hate me next time. So let the matter rest and take it naturally. It's mine is mine, after a big round it will come back. So again, I let fate decide.


Friday, September 24, 2004

Hate it!~~

I hate handphone~!~ I hate chatting with u thru the sms.... you have become a voice in my handphone, make up of texts.... n I hate it.... I need a human not a handphone... what can handphone do!!!! what can a lifeless handphone do!~!~~~! i hate it!~~!~!~!~!~!~! hate!~!~!~! When will I have a chance?? when will it be my turn?? NO!~!~ I wont have a chance!~!~~! Never right!~!!~~! Even darren can do better than you, cares more than you and yet u were my bf!~!!~~! I hate the present u !~~!!~~!!~~! hate hate hate!~~!!~~!!~ u are a heartless son of a bitch!~~!~!

what you want me to do?

"What you want me to do?" I really don't know what I want you to do....

Sick to the core today after yesterday drink session with the gals. Should not have drink so much... i know i sure have a very bad hangover today... know that you dont like me to drink coz i'm a lousy drinker... know that you keep asking me to stop drinking on the phone... but can't help it... wanted to but no will to...

It was a enjoyable session yesterday... we watched the movie "The notebook" by nickolas sparks. Like his romance stories but always feel that it has a touch of saddness in his ending.... for example, "message in a bottle" why has the male lead die... is it to remind us that you should treasure every moment with the person we love and not dwell in the past and hurt each other?

The notebook synopsis:
A man (James Garner) reads from his faded notebook to a woman in a nursing home (Gena Rowlands). The story he tells follows the lives of two North Carolina teens from very different worlds (Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams). Though her upbringing takes place in an antebellum mansion and he grew up in the kind of house where musicians jam on the porch, that doesn't stop Noah and Allie from spending one indelible summer together before they are separated, first by her parents and then by WWII.

After the soldiers come home, everything is different. Allie is engaged to a successful businessman and Noah lives alone with his memories in a 200-year-old house he lovingly restores. But when Allie sees an article in a local paper about Noah's handiwork, she knows that she's got to find him and make a decision once and for all about the path her life and her love must take.

Do here looks like the scenerio of notebook? Telling you stories of what happen to the lost you? Hoping that all these will wake you up again...

After the show, we drank... its so fun when a person get drunk.. they become so true... and when u thought u are the only one having problem... you realised that people around do have their own problem... just that when you are conscious you can choose not to think about it....

Missed you so much, especially today. Wished so much that you can actually put down your work and accompany today. But I know you won't... If it was before... you probably will rush down and check on me... hate the present you... who is just a voice/text in my handphone... but what can I ask you to do?... even when I threaten to kill myself... all you can do is plead in the handphone...

wish that the person who turn up at the door step was you and not dar dar, the person who brought me bread is you and not dar dar... to cheer me up was you and not dar dar... where were you? around in my handphone- when you say you will be around for me...

your tolerance for my present is getting lower... and everytime when I want to speak up my mind... I was afraid that those emotionaless words will mean a scolding to you... just like I feel like I'm disturbing you in this remaining space we have... the space that you once said you hate it coz its emotionaless... just like in this virtual space where I chat with you... where I share my everyday life with you...

Told my friend to stop stepping into my space... told him I can't love anymore... don't want to hurt him... true enough he still hold the candle for me all this while... don't know is a blessing or a curse... that everyone around seems to tell me the same thing: I have been waiting for you all these while..been liking you for a very long time... and yet I myself don't know what love is all about... I thought I knew when I met you... that's why you are the only bf that I named it as love in my handphone... you are my answer to the meaning of love...But anyway, he is cool with it and he know that, I may not love him. He just want to be by my side, be it i treat him as a friends. I'm glad GOD loves me and I thank him for sending angels to be by my side always...

Some time, I hate blog coz I'm like torn between the real you and the virtual you... that's why sometime i felt that all these happening now is a dream... it makes no different is it not, its just a bunch of text be it in here or in the sms.... you are just a make believe... its so hard to put everything past me... can't understand what really has happen to you... all I know is that the present you is someone I don't know... like you have a 360' change to a stranger which is familiar yet distance....

Yesterday heard from kaixin that mooncake festival is round the corner... think back a few months ago... we thought of going back to east coast again to celebrate it... one year ago... we were building a heart with candles in the sand... sitting at the beach watching couples carry lanterns and children running around in the sand. People throwing firecrakers in to the sea. I remember I said: how inconsiderate all these people are, polluting the sea and killing the fishes....we said to each other that we will come here every year to celebrate and many more happy years to come... and who had knew that its going to be the last mooncake festival that we going to be celebrating together... all this starts to make me think of the dreadfull christmas day is coming...



Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Time...

Have you ever wonder, you have how much time left in this world?

Life is always so busy either with work, study, eat, sleep, etc. Working took up pratically the rest of your life and most of your time. You slog and you slog in work, some of us even dont have time to pause to think what have you miss out in your life? What have you not done in your life? N when prehaps the only time you will stop is when you get sick (some people dont even rest when they are sick) or most likelihood the last moment of your life.

After been throught a month plus of misery. We both conclude that lack of time maybe is the factor that drawn us apart and distance our love away. I began to wonder about time. Everyday you work and work from monday to sunday, 8.30am to late at night. (Partly I'm now damn free!~! If I'm working probably the same). Do you feel tired? You reply: "Yes, but no choice. Working life is like that, slog and slog." Oh yes, but time won't stop for a person nor between us... it just go on and on... by the time you have the time... the other person is no longer there... ya you can find back the person and start all over again... but what if the person is dead and all you can find and left is a picture of the person?

I asked you whether after the exam, you like to go for a short weekend trip at the sentosa chalet to relax. Anyway that day going to be your birthday. You reply: "We see how ok? I dont want to confirm anything now and can't make it. Don't book first, or else later wasted." I cant help feeling sorry for you: Life is so patethic - that it is governed by your work and nothing but your work. What pleasure will you or did you get even you have alot of money and can't enjoy it. What have you achieve? By the time you have the time to stop, prehaps there is no longer someone around to share your happines, your saddness... to share you?

Anything can be gone when you don't have the time to look after it: A flower will wither when you dont have the time to water it. Even a book will be eaten away by the worms, when you leave it. Friends will disappear when you don't have time to communicate with them. Girlfriends will distance, when you dont manage your relationship. And, when you have the time, she probably married to someone else who has the time to stop. And not to say if you have a family with your wife and kids, they will treat you like a strangers.... and it's true you really don't have time to stop, work is always busy.

Prehaps, that is the reason why I no longer see a future with you... I use to dream of a home with you, see you playing with the kids etc... but now even we said that we will start off as a friend, all I can see the maximum we will go is close friends. Even reaching the stage of a close friend is even difficult, coz close friends too will just distance away when you don't have time to communicate. It's true... used to have a few close friends... long time no see, all busy with their study, then building career... when meet up... same person but you don't understand them anymore, totally another person.

Prehaps what we called prioties in life... if you see life is important, no matter what you won't want to be slog down your life in work.... For me I felt this is important... coz work if don't have still can find a new job after that. If someone close to you no longer around, prehaps dead, you just can't replace that person anymore. To me life is more important than a lifeless job.... how about you... i think you have choose the latter.

But what to do, is your life you choose to spend in what way and how is your choice. I have already told you I have make plan for your birthday, and if you can't come I will just find others to go with me then. Time won't stop for you, nor can I, even I want to. I will age as time go by so do you, and I can't simply wait for you to have the time to be with me. When the time for me to move on to another phrase of my life, if you are not there, it will be others then.







Sunday, September 19, 2004

Have you?

Have you ever loved someone and they had absolutely no idea what so ever? Or fell for you're best friend in the entire world, and then sat around and watched him/her fall for someone else?

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid.... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie...the thing we fear grows stronger.

Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and yet you can never have them...when the moment you can't feel them under your fingertips you miss them?

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might breakyour heart ... but if you don't, you might break theirs.

Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides who it likes and who it doesn't. You can't tell your heartwhat to do. It does it on its own... when you least suspect it, oreven when you don't want it to.

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or that all Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had.

The mother

Went to watch an art film "The mother" with a friend yesterday. IT was a very distubing show... how could a person actually make love with the daughter and the mother?... i cry in some part of the show also - sad to see how a women living in a patriarchy society actually feel so lonely, so empty in her marriage. I can see in her eyes those desire to feel and do what you want to do before old age come knocking on your doorstep...

May and Toots, a couple in their sixties, travel south by train to visit their children and grandchildren in London. The pace and scale of the city overwhelms them immediately and the urban chaos is reflected in their children's lives: their son, Bobby, is constantly on the mobile phone arranging his next meeting; their daughter-in-law, Helen, has just opened a boutique and barks orders at the nanny before racing out the door to sell luxury knitwear to her peers. The grandchildren are absorbed by their own activities, indifferent toward the old strangers who have come to visit. Adding to the daily confusion of this Notting Hill household is a building site and a pleasantly odd builder, Darren.

Toots and May also have a daughter, Paula, a single parent struggling to find time for herself and her creative writing. Her home, too, is under construction although the builder has been devoting more of his energies to his client than he has to refurbishing her spare room.

Following a family meal at Paula's flat, Toots can't sleep. He jokes that it's probably his daughter's cooking but later that night, Toots dies in hospital. He's had a heart attack.

Bobby takes his mother back North, but May has no sooner entered the empty house than she realises that she cannot stay. She tells her son that she is not ready to be a lonely, idle old lady like her neighbours. To the undisguised annoyance of her daughter-in-law, May returns to London. Bobby and Helen argue in loud whispers overheard by May. She announces that she is going to take a stroll to "cheer herself up" and ends up hopelessly lost. No one she stops to ask for directions can point her back to her son's house. Finally, in a panic, May arrives at her daughter Paula's flat.

Paula comforts her mother, telling May she must stay where she is wanted and needed. Paula wants her mother to babysit for her son, Jack, because she needs to pursue her interests. That night, May is awakened by the sound of lovemaking followed by an argument. From the window, May sees her daughter's lover as he leaves the house. It's Darren. May comforts Paula; she thinks that her daughter could do better.

At Paula's flat, her grandson tells May that Paula is seeing a therapist. Paula is overwhelmed by the many injustices of her life and envious of May's housewifely ease. May tells Paula that she was unhappy throughout her marriage but Paula isn't interested. She asks her mother to help her, specifically, to help her with Darren.

May finally meets Darren properly and asks him what he's doing with her daughter. May admits that maybe you get less frightened as you get older.

That evening, May and Paula talk about Darren. May continues to doubt that her daughter is realistic about her future with him. Paula finally admits that she's been trying to break up with him from the moment she met him and resolves to tell Darren the following day.

Alone at a café, May has a croissant and coffee and an idea: she will take a croissant to Darren where he is working on Bobby and Helen's conservatory. Darren is touched by the gesture and they talk while he takes a break. They enjoy one another's company and he invites her to lunch that afternoon. After a meal and a visit to Hogarth's tomb, May and Darren stroll along the river. When she stumbles, Darren catches her and they kiss. May is flustered and full of apologies – she isn't used to drinking at lunchtime.

Back at Paula's, May tries on new clothes. She asks her daughter if she has told Darren it's over between them but Paula has changed her mind again. She wonders what her mother has found out about Darren's feelings for her. Paula takes her mother to her writer's workshop. The participants sit around in a circle and listen as Bruce, an older man, reads his piece aloud. Everyone is assigned to write something and May writes a very personal essay about her failure as a wife and mother. Bruce is effusive in his praise and Paula encourages her mother to go out with him. May visits an exhibition of sculptures in the vast spaces of Tate Modern where she is struck by a beautiful golden image of a young male nude.

May buys Darren a gift, a book of Old Master drawings. She sketches him and they talk while he works on the conservatory. May asks Darren to take her upstairs. He does. They make love and May admits that she thought no one would ever touch her again, apart from the undertaker.As May scrubs the floor at Paula's flat, Paula asks what Darren has told her about their relationship. May is surprised – surely Paula has finished with him? Paula snaps at her mother and goes to greet Darren at the door. They sit down to an awkward dinner after which Paula suggests that it's time her mother went to bed. May says she will go out instead. She sees Darren leaving.

May travels on the London Eye, thinking about the turbulence Darren has stirred up in her.

Returning to Bobby and Helen's the next morning, May asks Darren to go upstairs with her and they make passionate love. Afterwards, she offers him money to go and travel, maybe with her.

Paula comes to visit her brother. They are talking about his financial difficulties when Paula idly opens a portfolio of sketches lying on the table. They are May's drawings of Darren, some of them graphically sexual. May's children are filled with horror and disgust. "She's having him!" shrieks Paula.

Back at Paula's flat, the tension between mother and daughter is tangible but Paula doesn't confront May with her suspicions.

Darren and Paula and Bruce and May have drinks at a riverside pub. Darren is restless; May is uncomfortable; Paula is triumphant; Bruce is oblivious. Paula announces that she and Darren are moving in together and reveals that her brother is selling his house. Darren is hurt, furious that Bobby would decide to sell without telling him. The party moves to Soho where Paula defiantly kisses Darren, glaring the while at her mother. May wanders off alone and ends up sitting on the edge of the Eros fountain on Piccadilly Circus. Bruce finds her there and takes her home and to bed with him. She steals away when he falls asleep.

After persuading her daughter to open the door, May has trouble sleeping. She sees flames in the back garden and goes out to find Paula burning her own manuscripts. Paula claims that she is acting on her mother's wishes: she's not going to waste her time writing.

Bobby suggests that he could fix his mother up with a therapist. He chases Darren and May away from him. May tries to speak to Darren but he has been getting high all morning and he is crude where she expects tenderness. He demands that May make good her offer of money and scoffs when she says she'll buy him a plane ticket so that they can go away together. He rages at being used by women and in particular, by May and her daughter, and proceeds to smash up the conservatory.

Paula confronts her mother with her affair with Darren. May wonders what she can do to make her daughter feel better. Paula says she would like to hit her.

Darren repairs the conservatory as Helen shows an estate agent around the Notting Hill house. May and Paula enter. May has a livid bruise on her face. She announces that she is going home. As she passes, each member of the household looks up in turn and waves a distracted goodbye.

May takes a train back to the suburbs. She packs a bag, picks up her passport and plane ticket and leaves, shutting the door behind her.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.
There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget...............
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry,""Please forgive me,"
"Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today

Saw this in a friend's blog, found it very meaningful. If only you knew what I have been telling you- maybe there will be no tommorrow, will you regret? Prehaps, no.... if not you won't have left....

Friday, September 17, 2004

是我不好

我都醉了
灯光在我眼里都模糊了
为什么还清清楚楚记得
那天那句要我把你忘了
怎么能忘了
除非不呼吸
走到哪里才躲的掉回忆
离别就是让人怀疑着自己
连恨不恨你都不能确定

也许这一切都是我不好
是我不知道
只有真心留不住男人一个拥抱
就算眼泪会是温柔的守候
可是爱如果是求来的我也不想要
是我不好
是我还忘不掉
心痛只能用时间来消耗
毕竟当初是我选的一个
给不起我永远的人
就算是我不好

我都醉了
灯光在我眼里都模糊了
为什么还清清楚楚记得
那天那句要我把你忘了
怎么能忘了
除非不呼吸走到哪里才躲的掉回忆
离别就是让人怀疑着自己
连恨不恨你都不能确定

也许这一切都是我不好
是我不知道只有
真心留不住男人一个拥抱
就算眼泪会是温柔的守候
可是爱如果是求来的我也不想要
是我不好
是我还忘不掉
心痛只能用时间来消耗
毕竟当初是我选的一个
给不起我永远的人
就算是我不好

说你不爱我 - 陈慧琳

下雨了整个城市都哭了

我们应该说再见还是不说

不是吗 还记得从前你多爱我

回忆那么重 让我不能动所以我 等你开口

说你不爱我

我才可以往前走

第六感告诉我你渴望的是自由

就让泪慢慢的流就让心

放肆的痛

雨后一分钟 好孤单的天空

说你不爱我

我不要别的理由如果你还不说

我会恨自己软弱宁

愿吹酸酸的风宁

愿要破碎的梦

也不要听见我们永远是朋友

几秒钟

一次完美的分手

可是为什么双眼会那么红

忘了吗在日历翻了又翻之后 你会记得吗大雨那一天我还在等你开口


Monday, September 13, 2004

A month plus...

It's been a month plus since we been seperated... I have cried, died, throw temper, did my best to save what is left in the relationship... till now I'm way too tired to think about it no more. To me everything is sweep away by the storm that hit me suddenly in our peaceful island... It does not matter to me whether you or I want to hold on to this r/s as we felt we can't let go. I have resigned to fate - fate let us know each other in IRC, fate let you fall in love with me, fate draw us apart, fate brought us together, fate destroy what has been build...n fate has keep us apart since then... no matter how hard I try to work ways to bridge the distance we have, I was not give a chance by fate... you were way too busy in your work... so I let fate now to decide for me... lazy to move a inch from my current position.

I have more or less get back to my life... soon I too will be bz with mine. I have been given a perm temporary job at starhub to work for them as a logistic excutive. They were kind enough to let me have study week off, so that I can prepare for my coming exam!~~! N my exam will end on 2th of Nov!~!~ so gd I can now plan for my holiday to sdyney!~ (Hope the company allow me also kekek) Just want to go for a break away from all these misery that have happen lately... to relax my mind and get back in line with my life....the rest is let fate decide...


Saturday, September 11, 2004

Can't We Try

I see your face cloud over like a little girls
And your eyes have lost their shine
You whisper something softly
I'm not meant to hear
Baby tell me what's on your mind
I don't' care what people say
About the two of us from different worlds
I love you so much that it hurts inside
Are you listening
Please listen to me girl
Can't we try just a little bit harder
Can't we give just a little bit more
Can't we try to understand
That it's love we're fighting for
Can't we try just a little more passion
Can't we try just a little less pride
I love you so much baby
That it tears me up inside
I hear you on the telephone
With god knows who
Spilling out your heart for free
Everyone needs someone they can talk to
Girls that someone should be me
So many times I've tried to tell you
You just turn away
My life is changing so fast now
Leaves me lonely and afraid
Can't we try just a little bit harder
Can't we give just a little bit more
Can't we try to understand
That it's love we're fighting for
Can't we try just a little more passion
Can't we try just a little less pride
I love you so much baby
That it tears me up inside
Don't let our love fade away
No matter what people say
I need you more and more each day
Can't we try just a little bit harder
Can't we give just a little bit more
Can't we try just a little bit harder
Can't we give just a little bit more
Can't we try just a little more passion
Can't we try just a little less pride
Love you so much baby
Tears me up inside

Thursday, September 09, 2004

为我好 - 梁静茹

才知道你脸上的微笑
不是幸福代表
是种不自在的礼貌
才知道感情已经动摇
我一直被误导是
你还不愿意揭晓
太多谐恼怪我们不懂得抛
太多的问号答案 也都不必找
只换来疲劳
忘了要一起变老

为何要无话可说才懂沉默比争吵难熬
为何会在恨消失后爱还是挽回不了
为何要在疼爱我的时候才对我说离开我
都是为我好

才知道感情已经动摇
我一直被误导
是你还不愿意揭晓
太多谐恼怪我们不懂得抛
太多的问号答案也都不必找
只换来疲劳
忘了要一起变老

为何要无话可说才懂沉默比争吵难熬
为何会在恨消失后爱还是挽回不了
为何要在疼爱我的时候才对我说离开我
都是为我好

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Two days

Been two days, I dont feel the saddness of our seperation nor I felt all these is a dream. Is this a good sign? I think it is...

I start to find my body has reach its maximum to hold on to this mental and emotional stress. Today I feel extremely tired.. not physically... mentally tired. Find it so hard to focus writing my assignment... head heavy... want to sleep... maybe lack of sleep... sian?

hmmm nothing to blog, since I have nothing to chat with you... run out of things to talk... sian of all the things that I have been struggling... no matter how much I struggle, there is no response from you... no reaction... no answer...

Sian of you calling the shot! Call me when u feel like... ask me out when u thought of it... I'm won't be here waiting.. I could die tommorrow... I might be kidnap by alien tommorrow... time will fade me away...

Who am I to you I asked? A friend? You say much more... A close friend? You say much much more. Gf? I don't know... you know me and understand me.... No.. I don't understand you nor know who are you. I used to think I know you, trust you, understand you... but it turn out I have been rob of my heart...

Monday, September 06, 2004

nice song!~! best describle my feeling for u!~

好寂寞 - 光良 范玮琪 - 真善美

我愿用真心交换你
偶尔分到你一点关心
就算你不能完全属于我
我也愿意照顾自己
有时爱就是那么奇妙
怎么也想不到
想不到我竟如此的为你执迷
也想不到我只要一刻不见你就无法呼吸
看窗外霓虹灯在闪耀
情人在街道上拥抱,
我的夜只能依靠不停想你
才会有心跳
好寂寞,每当想起你的时候
好像痛要将我吞没却不能对你说
好寂寞,我会试着自己挣脱
就怕你会放不下我
曾说过要让你自由
就该学着放手

Friday, September 03, 2004

I Quit~~!~

真想和你聊一聊天 
很想看看你溫柔的容顏
多想聽你說自己並沒有變(努力說服自己你沒有變)
很想看我們從前的照片 
多想和你再接近一點
你現在的心是在靠在誰的身邊(你現在的他是否真已從心所願)

是你變了嗎 我的影子笑
我的人好傻是你變了嗎 
我已經跟不上你的步伐
是你變了嗎 
對你的感覺應該停止吧
已經不明白你的想法 
已經不再看見你眼中的牽掛

Been round in circles for three weeks... what written in this blog are all misery... pain... sadness.. confuse... I'm tired... why don't I just qive this whole damn relationship up!~!~~ care what effort I have put it.. damn all the happy memories that we once have... 對你的感覺應該停止吧?? I quit!~!~!

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Ex office restructure revolution!~!~

Joke of the year!~!~! A ex colleague told me what recently has happen in the office...my ex boss is doing his company restructuring revolution again!~~! This time, he personally talk to every of the staffs.

the following are the most commonly asked question
1. are u willing to be on our same ship, to fight the final battle?
2. do you trust me?
3. will u be working long term here?
some he would even ask "will u die for the company"

Joke 1:
Boss: do you trust me?
suddenly dunno what is the meaning of trust and think it was "thrust", so the worker was real scared,
worker: no, no, no
then he talk about our comapny going on listing next yr etc, same old crap which I have been hearing since the day I step into the office till the day I left... He asked her again the same question.
Boss: do you trust me?
Worker: no, no, no.

Joke 2:
Boss: are you willing to die for the company?
Worker: emmm, i think this i would have to seek the permission of my wife first

Joke 3:
He spoke to one of the worker but he spoke too chim that someone has to sit beside the worker and translate simultaneously.Then he think he should also said a few chinese words, he then added "we shall bring you with us" Sound so seven month!~!~ wahahha

I have never in my whole life heard of such a immatured boss... I think he is the first and the only one!~!~!

moody again!!~

一开始我只相信 伟大的是感情
最后我无力的看清 强悍的是命运
妳还是选择回去 他刺痛妳的心 但妳不肯觉醒
妳说爱本就是梦境 跟妳借的幸福 我只能还妳

[chorus]
想留不能留 才最寂寞 没说完温柔 只剩离歌
心碎前一秒 用力的相拥着沉默
用心跳送妳 辛酸离歌(看不见永久 听见离歌)

原来爱是种任性 不该太多考虑
爱没有聪不聪明 只有愿不愿意
妳还是选择回去 他刺痛妳的心 但妳不肯觉醒
妳说爱本就是梦境 跟妳借的幸福 我只能还妳

repeat [Chorus]


Came across this article while I'm doing my assignment research...

Women 'should stay single to stay sane'
The key to happiness - and sanity - for women could be to spend the whole of their lives single, research has suggested.

A survey of almost 4,500 men and women found that women who stayed single enjoyed much better mental health than those who had married or suffered a relationship split.

But the same was not true for men, who fared better mentally if they were in a relationship.


The research, published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, is at odds with the Bridget Jones generation of women who believe they can only be truly happy once they have nabbed a man.

Researchers at the University of London based their findings on the response to a mental health questionnaire of adults under 65 taking part in the British Household Panel Survey.

The team, led by Dr Michaela Benzeval, also found that serial relationships were good for men's mental health, but had an adverse effect on women.

While men did better mentally if they simply lived with a partner, marriage was more beneficial to a woman's mental health.

Break-ups were also painful for both sexes, but women generally took longer to recover.

Women's mental health also got progressively worse the more break-ups they had and the more new relationships they had to start.

And women who remained alone after a marriage split had the worst mental health of all those surveyed, apart from those who were alone immediately after breaking up with a partner.

The researchers said: "Men in first partnerships displayed better mental health than those who remained single, whereas women who remained single displayed equally good mental health to those in their first partnership and better health than those who had experienced a partnership spilt.

"This is further support for the finding that single men display more distress than married men and vice versa for women."

The team suggested that the Government should review the law on cohabitation rights as the lack of financial and property protection leading to security concerns may explain women's poorer mental health than those who marry.

They also said separation and divorce support organisations should target women who experienced multiple splits.


Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Tired....lost track of the days...

so tired~!~ been working two days of full day at the factory... physically beaten!~~ but still have to work!~!~

Keep our photos and you photos away into my memory box... found a card that you gave me once... read the content... no feeling...

When I decided to ignore all your message today and move on, not going to think about this whole matter... you message me to ask me out ... today is your duty day... yet you want to come out... you say if I want, you will to change duty with others... no feeling... am I suppose to feel happy? Yet I felt nothing... do I have a choice? No! you say you suddenly have no feeling for our love. Did you give me a chance to say no, you can't do that to me? No! You say you need to be by yourself, so need to cool off for awhile, so won't be meet up with me. Did you give me a chance to say no? No! And now you feel like meeting up with me, and start arranging to meet up this friday for dinner and sunday to CQ. Can I too say no to you?

At this point, I have already lost my ability to think nor feel... I still breathe, still eat, still laugh, still talk... coz I need to... have to... but what contain inside is emptied.... I live for the seek of living...

喜欢听歌 感人的歌
它让我觉得 爱是对的
睡不着 我就醒着
不再让日子被打乱了

[Chorus]
寂寞很吵 我很安静
情绪很多 我很镇定
因为投入 所以放弃
不愿再被痛醒
固执算不算任性的要求
付出也可能看不到结果
终于你还是选择了放手
用逃避 让感情犯错

喜欢唱歌 动人的歌
它让我获得一些心得
得不到 我就放掉
不去触碰到我的需要

repeat [Chorus]

承诺算不算任性的要求
人总是不能太容易感动
当爱失去自我失去包容
只想要 从混乱解脱

Decided to spend one semester at austrialia for my study next year... waiting for a friend to confirm she is going.. scared to go there alone and my mum is worried also... if she is all set, will go there for a semester... but won't be telling you this... think at most will msg you to tell you to take care of yourself when I about to depart on that day... (Sound like some drama scene hor... the lead actresses going away, gave a call to the lead actor to say good bye... and the lead actor will rush to the airport... to stop the main actresses not to go...)

Tired ah!~!~ muscle ache~!~~~~ think I will sleep early... tommorrow will be another day... and again another day... tired... dont know is physical exhaustion or mentally exhaustion that cause this tireness in me... think is both... I'm too worn out already...

I'm afraid for the day of meeting up with you... don't know why... what is the point... going back together seems like an impossible... my mum is pissed with you, so is my god dad... how could you convince them, you won't hurt me again... My mum is so strongly disagree of me having thoughts of patching back with you... she even warned me... now I still can stand up after this defeat, don't go back again. The second time, I won't be able to stand again... but in actual fact... I'm just putting a strong face infront of her... I'm too scared to love again... so much afraid... so I think there won't be another time or next time again...